


Three's a Crowd

by Gladrial



Category: Batman - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Implied Sexual Content, references to Gotham Sirens
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-07
Updated: 2011-07-07
Packaged: 2017-11-29 21:55:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/691901
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gladrial/pseuds/Gladrial
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Harley's torn between the Joker and Poison Ivy after a night of impulsive decisions.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Three's a Crowd

**Author's Note:**

> Beta: RisqueSno
> 
> Disclaimer: DC owns all these characters and WB owns DC and Time Warner owns WB and I'm pretty sure the rest of the world
> 
> Author Notes: This story started out as a silly little thing inspired by a dream I had which I'll go into more detail about in my end notes as to not ruin the story. As I started writing it though, it developed into something much more. There is no doubt that Harley acts differently with the Joker than she does without. Here, the Joker gets to see a glimpse of that himself. The story also showcases how easily they can push each others buttons.

Harley woke bleary-eyed as her mind slowly began to jumpstart for the day. It didn't take long before she started to recall the events of the previous night, which quickly switched her slow, calm awakening to one of frenzy. She suddenly popped up into a sitting position while simultaneously feeling for a body next to her.

He was still there. Her body instantly relaxed again as she lay back down. Harley smiled blissfully at the reality of his presence, having half thought it had all been a dream. It had been so long since they had been together, and on top of that, _he_ had sought after her for a change. It really was too good to be true.

She sighed happily just before her alarm clock started blaring its annoying warning. Her eyes went wide with awareness as she recalled why she had set it. "Oh no," she whispered quietly to herself, hoping not to wake her companion, a useless gesture as the alarm clock was causing him to stir anyway.

The Joker dropped a hand to the floor. Harley could hear it fumbling around drowsily in search of something. His hand eventually found what it was looking for and closed around the handle of his gun. A pull of the trigger later, the remains of the alarm clock were silenced and he dropped the gun to the floor once again.

 _I lose more alarm clocks that way_ , she reflected silently.

Unfortunately, she could not return to resting nor, she realized with trepidation, could he, despite how much he seemed keen to.

"Puddin'?" she whispered gently, nuzzling into his neck.

"You want another round?" he mumbled sleepily. "…Maybe later," he decided before rolling over and placing a pillow over his head, clearly indicating there was to be no further conversation.

"No puddin'-," she tried to explain before being cut off by a look from him, not one of anger or amusement, but of utter bewilderment. It didn't take her long to process the reason behind it. "I mean, I do," she corrected herself quickly. "It's just-"

"Knew I must've heard you wrong," he yawned, before laying his head back down.

Harley sighed heavily in defeat before opting for another course of action. She got up and headed for the shower, deciding she had enough time to let him rest a little longer. She slid open the shower door and let out a blood-curdling scream.

Much to her surprise, a body had come tumbling out of the shower, falling on top of her. Her reaction was purely instinctive as she frantically tried to escape the limbs of the corpse around her.

She could hear the Joker howling with laughter in the adjacent bedroom as she struggled to catch her breath. Having finally collected herself, she peered down at the feminine body sprawled across the floor beneath her and saw a grotesque smile spread tightly across the victim's face. Her laughter soon joined in with his.

"You really got me that time," she giggled as the laughter between them subsided.

The Joker rolled out of bed and strode to join her. "Well, I-," he announced himself, planning on sharing an amusing story about the origin of his latest victim, when she let out a small squeal of fright.

She was surprised to find him all of the sudden, directly behind her behind her. "I though you were still in bed," she giggled again, slightly embarrassed at her nerves. "You startled me."

"You sure are jumpy today," he commented, examining her with a tilt of the head. "I mean, I thought you'd think my present funny, but I didn't think it'd turn you into a horror movie bimbo. I leave you alone for a few weeks and you act as though you've never seen a corpse before."

"It's been eight months," she muttered softly with a touch of sadness.

"Has it really?" he asked in surprise. "Well, that wasn't nice of me at all."

She shrugged slightly, trying and failing to seem nonchalant.

"Seems to me I should make it up to you," he added slyly, reaching for her.

She puffed herself up proudly, trying to continue her act. "I really have to start getting ready," she replied simply.

"So? Who's stopping you?" He took her by the hand and pulled her into the shower.

* * *

Harley emerged from the lengthy shower grinning broadly. She gasped as she nearly tripped on the body still lying on the tile floor, having momentarily forgotten it was there. The Joker gave her another bemused look at what he thought was odd, and even rather silly, behavior for her.

"Eight months," he muttered to himself, considering something that had never occurred to him before.

"What's that, Puddin'?" Harley shouted above the loud hum of her hair dryer.

"Nothing," he shouted back, returning to the bedroom. He wasn't sure it was 'nothing' though, based on the way she was behaving. Admittedly, he didn't think about her that much unless she was right in his face. More often than not, the odd time she did cross his mind, he pushed the distracting thoughts aside, meaning he didn't tend to consider what she was up to when he wasn't around. He rather thought she just blinked in and out of existence for him and wasn't sure how he felt about the possibility of something else being the case – like her having a life…one that had nothing to do with him.

He was mulling these thoughts over, despite being sure there were other things rolling around in his head more worthy of his attention, when he heard the hair dryer cut off. Harley emerged from the bathroom, wrapped in a towel. She took a seat in front of her vanity and started applying make-up. Silently, he noted that she hadn't put her hair in pig tails.

"Puddin', would you mind terribly getting rid of that?" she nodded at the bathroom door and he knew what she was referring to. "Y'know, if it's convenient."

"About that," he started and immediately paused, unsure of how to continue. He could see by her reflection in the vanity mirror that she was about to prod him and beat her to the punch, "Harley, do you act… _differently_ when I'm not around?"

She momentarily stopped her primping, considering the question. "Different how?"

"How should I know!" he demanded gruffly. "And since when have you expected me to clean up after myself?"

"Oh! I can take care of it," she answered hastily.

"Forget it," he replied shortly and Harley swore he almost sounded as though he were pouting.

She seriously pondered his question as she finished her primping by applying some lip gloss. "Listen," she began, taking a seat next to him on the edge of the bed, "Maybe I do act a little differently when you're away. That doesn't mean I'm any less happy to see you."

He made a scoffing sound and gave her a look that said anything else would be a ridiculous notion. That knocked out one of the things she thought might be bothering him. She put her mind to work on another theory.

"You never kill anyone when we're separated," he interrupted her thought process.

"…I never really thought about it, I guess," she responded, somewhat surprised that it would concern him. "I wouldn't say 'never'," she continued after some thought. "But not frequently. Only out of necessity really." She paused again thinking of the reason behind this, as she knew that would be his next question. "It's not something I enjoy all that much, to tell you the truth."

He instantly leapt to his feet, pointing at her as though he'd caught her red-handed. "You're faking it!" he shouted accusingly, then let out an exaggerated gasp. "You're faking it with me!"

Harley's first reaction was to blurt out a laugh which she quickly stifled by clapping a hand over her mouth. "I'm sorry," she squeaked as he glared at her threateningly. "It's not funny." She took a deep breath before diving into an explanation. "I'm not 'faking it'," she began. "It's just…it's no fun without you"

His look turned to one of suspicion.

"It's not!" she reaffirmed. "Would you honestly want it to be?"

"I don't suppose so," he answered after a moment's thought.

"And you wouldn't want me to find someone else to enjoy it with in the meantime, now would you?" she continued.

"Oh, hell no!" he stated assuredly.

"Well, there you go then," she concluded happily.

The Joker relaxed after this reasonable explanation before realizing they had just been playing the doctor/patient game again without his consent. "You had just better get back with the program. Chop, chop!" he ordered, feeling the need to reaffirm his power base.

"Aye aye, boss man," she saluted with a giggle, but her demeanor quickly changed when she caught a glimpse of the time. "I lost track of time!" she exclaimed in distress. "You have to go," she added, frantically collecting his clothes.

"Wait. Are _you_ asking _me_ to leave? I'm fairly certain that's supposed to happen the other way around," he replied as she tried to force a pile of clothes into his hands.

"Just for a little while," she answered, smiling broadly and silently praying for his cooperation.

"Why should I?" he challenged, deciding he didn't like the direction this was going.

"I'm expecting someone," she answered simply, feeling safe with the answer. After all, it was the truth and she hadn't said who. She was hopeful that his self-preservation instinct would kick in and he'd leave in order to avoid a messy ordeal that would no doubt alert the entire apartment building of his presence.

She breathed a sigh of relief as he took the clothes from her and started dressing, even though he looked a bit put out.

"Who are you expecting?" he asked with an edge of irritation as he buttoned his shirt.

"You know, just a friend," she replied, having hoped to avoid divulging details.

"No, I don't know," he continued, his anger growing. "After all, you said it's been eight months. How am I supposed to know what you've been up to?" He paused, considering something she said earlier…something about 'someone else'. "Who is he?" he growled.

"He? No! I-," she started but was quickly cut off.

"Trying for something 'normal' again? And yet you still let me through the door in two seconds flat. Bored as hell, weren't you? But I'm not mad at you, Harley. Don't think I am," he assured her darkly, while checking the ammunition round of his gun and reloading the chamber he had used on the clock. "Not mad at you one little bit," he repeated as he left the bedroom and found a seat facing the entryway with a firm grip on the handle of his gun.

She sighed deeply in exasperation, knowing she no longer had a choice in revealing her visitor to him. What if he just opened fire at the first knock on the door? Besides, she really didn't believe he wasn't angry with her and planned to deal with her after he'd taken care of…whoever he imagined needed taking care of.

"It's Red," she admitted. "It's just Red."

"I knew it!" he thundered. "Everybody knew it!"

Harley looked ready to tear her hair out. "She's just coming to brunch! She's bringing me a house-warming gift! That's all! And I have absolutely no food ready. None," she finished, dashing into the kitchen.

"Oh," the Joker uttered simply, somewhat disappointed. Harley knew his tone was due to his heightened adrenaline level paired with no longer having an obvious outlet to relieve it. She kept talking to keep his mind off this fact for fear he'd find an outlet soon enough, very likely herself being of closest proximity.

"Red's just proud of me, y'know, getting my own place and everything. I've really only just moved in. It's amazing you found me actually, seeing as how few people even know I'm here," she rambled while pulling out a box of muffin mix from a cupboard and eggs from the refrigerator. "It's been forever since I've had my own place. It's probably been-," she paused trying to determine the length of time, only just realizing how long it had been. Even without the Joker, there had always been someone: Red, Kitty, that period of time she played with having henchmen of her own. It seemed to her that there had been a time she was fiercely independent, but now she couldn't imagine why anyone would desire such a thing. She hated being alone.

The pause had lasted longer than she intended it to as she desperately tried to recall why she gotten her own apartment in the first place. It was too empty, too quiet-

"Since you met me," he finished her last statement, interrupting her train of thought. "I remember you talking about your first place back in the day. You were excited about finally being able to make something your own, after leaving the dorms."

She stared at him, slightly bewildered.

"What?" he demanded. "Surprised that I actually listen to you on occasion?"

She hated to admit that she was a bit actually. Well, unless he was listening in order to find a way to manipulate her… She suddenly felt defensive realizing why she had bought the apartment: she wanted it. She was becoming more independent with Red's help and here she had gone and screwed it all to hell again in one night.

Almost on cue he added while looking around the apartment, "Was this your idea of personalizing your space?" He lowered his voice to a whisper as though he were trying to save her from embarrassment, "Because it's boring as hell."

"I'll have you know I've barely started decorating!" she retaliated. Her mind was swimming. What would Red say if she could see her now? She'd be so disappointed! Harley actually felt on the verge of biting her nails. She'd be here soon. "You have to go," she restated firmly.

"Really?" he responded slyly. "And what if I tell you that if you throw me out now I have no intention of coming back? Still want me to leave?"

"…Yes?" she answered pathetically and she knew it. She could barely look him in the face and thankfully he didn't make her, because she knew she couldn't have answered the same a second time…if he made her look him in the eye. She actually shivered at the thought.

He chuckled quietly. "You're cute, you know that? I always thought so," he commented, collecting his trench coat. "Well, I suppose I'll be leaving. Clearly I'm not welcome around here aside from some one night stand. I feel so cheap," he giggled.

It took all of Harley's determination not to ask him if he'd be back as she heard the door shut behind him. She tried not to cry, knowing she didn't have time to spend redoing her make-up and she didn't want to explain a red, puffy face to her guest, but she failed miserably.

* * *

Ivy navigated the sidewalks of Gotham, donning shades and a wide-brimmed hat to avoid detection. It was a warm, sunny day, so the garb didn't look out of place. As she walked leisurely to her brunch date, she reflected that she couldn't remember the last time she felt so accomplished.

Harley had been doing so well with her encouragement. So much so, Ivy knew it was time to push her growing independence into acquiring a place of her own. She knew the opportunity would foster more self-confidence and enable Harley to take care of herself were she not around.

Harley had no way of knowing, but Ivy honestly often felt incredibly hindered by her. She had been unable to continue in her endeavors for plant rights much of the time for fear of what Harley would do without her. Her primary concern was that she'd find her way back to that pathetic excuse of a man Harley ridiculously had referred to as a boyfriend.

However Ivy had become quite confident in recent months that they were out of the woods in regards to him. Harley tended to follow the same pattern every time she fell back in with her. First she would lament endlessly over her broken relationship, until eventually she started repeating the sentiments she knew Ivy wanted to hear. She had never reached the point she had now though: one of omission. Ivy couldn't recall the last time Harley had mentioned his name or referenced him in any way for that matter.

All that aside, Ivy knew Harley's most recent step in rebuilding a life of her own would still be difficult. She had planned to help her through the process by visiting very frequently, especially at the beginning. In fact, she was on the way to their first official visit now. True, Harley had moved in about two weeks ago, but Ivy had been staying with her, even overnight, to ease the adjustment.

Ivy politely knocked on Harley's apartment door and waited to be greeted. After standing there patiently, she knocked again, harder this time while sighing to herself. It would be just like Harley to have forgotten she was coming or to oversleep.

Finally the door cracked opened slowly and Ivy entered. She started off chatty, while taking off her hat and glasses, before turning around and seeing Harley's face.

"Honey, what's wrong?" Ivy asked with concern. "I'll bet you were lonely last night," she answered for her offering her a hug.

Harley's mind quickly went to work with her assumption. Yes, she was lonely. She could easily pull that off and hopefully Red would never find out what had really happened there last night. After all, he had threatened he wasn't going to come back and, while she wasn't sure she wanted that, it was a concern of a later date. Harley felt a wave of instant relief.

"I don't know why you didn't just phone me," Ivy continued, releasing her. "I would have gladly come over."

"It…I was fine last night," Harley started to fabricate a story. "When you left I felt good and did some things I wanted to do." That was actually true enough and she thought she might laugh about it later. "Me time: like you said."

"That's wonderful, Harley, really," Ivy encouraged. "What'd you do?"

"I started a journal," she lied. "Just like I said I was going to do. I slept fine too. I didn't get upset until just a little while ago actually. It all just…sort of hit me at once."

"You shouldn't feel bad," Ivy smiled. "That means you got through the whole night on your own. That's wonderful."

That statement only made her feel worse. She really wanted to make it through the night alone and believed she could have…but she didn't. Still, she managed to return a fake smile. "Yeah, I did, but I didn't cook anything at all. I'm so sorry."

"It's no problem. We'll do it together. Oh, but first, here," she offered, handing her a house warming gift.

Harley looked at the plant in her hand without surprise, but sighed all the same. "Red, you know how awful I am about taking care of these things."

"Yes, yes," Ivy dismissed her comment. "But it will be good for you to start taking care of something and this is the perfect plant to start with. Do you know what species that is?"

"Do I ever?" Harley replied sarcastically.

"It's a Selaginella Lepidophylla," she answered, ignoring the sarcasm.

"Well, of course it is," Harley quipped. "Why didn't I know that?"

"It's commonly referred to as 'the dinosaur plant'," she continued, moving into the kitchen. "Seriously Harley, it can withstand any level of neglect."

"What if I forget to water it for a couple of weeks? Because you know I will," Harley returned.

"Won't matter," Ivy replied, pulling a wooden spoon from a drawer. "Just water it again when you remember and it'll spring back to life. It even survived the ice age. You couldn't kill it if you tried-"

"That sounds like a challenge to me!" came a voice suddenly from the doorway where the Joker had just burst in with flourish.

Both of the women froze in shock at his sudden appearance as he walked over to Harley and peered down at the plant in her hand.

"Hardly seems worth it though, does it?" he decided, before turning his attention to the two of them. "Ladies, I'm so sorry to rudely interrupt your little brunch and I promise that I won't be a moment." He then dashed into Harley's bedroom without explanation.

"What's going on?" Ivy hissed at Harley, quietly.

Harley shrugged meekly and genuinely looked dumbfounded.

Just as quickly as he left, he reemerged from the bedroom. "I forgot my hat," he stated simply, waving a purple fedora at them as evidence before placing it on his head.

Ivy pointed the wooden spoon at Harley accusingly, but Harley reacted before she could say anything.

"You didn't forget anything!" she accused him. "You did that on purpose!"

"I'm such a stinker," he admitted and kissed her on the cheek. "See you soon, kid," he added, heading for the door.

"'Kay," Harley chirped happily as he gave her a wink before shutting the door behind him.

"What?" Harley demanded of Ivy's glaring eyes. "This is _my_ place and that means I can have anybody I want over. So there," she finished decisively, while placing her new plant in the window sill.

**Author's Note:**

> I told you that this story was inspired by a dream, in which I was fortunate enough to be in Harley's place. However, the third party involved was not Ivy, but my father who was coming to visit and I was mortified at the thought of him finding me with a murdering psychopath. Despite all efforts, Mr. J made sure my secret was revealed in a fashion identical to the one in this story. I like that my subconscious keeps the Joker the asshole we all know and love, rather than attempt to sweeten him up. Good subconscious. On a final note, the dinosaur plant really exists. Look it up if you're interested in owning one.


End file.
